The Meaning of Christmas

I have been lying to you all for the last couple of posts. I'm generally a Grade A Holiday Junkie who should seek a 12-step program for assistance, because I'm the kind of holiday kook that makes everybody else cringe as they whisper, Bah Humbug.

But this year,...the holiday spirit has utterly evaded me. I've searched for it everywhere, but it wasn't to be found. Instead, all I've seem to discover over the last month or so is a deep sadness, the kind that takes the air right out of your lungs and the quick out of your step.

And the closer that Christmas came, the less and less I felt it and the more tangible the sense of loss became.

For whatever reason, things have just seemed very heavy recently and it has been escalating every day. I felt my own challenges building to a level at which I seriously doubted I could handle much more and adding to that I've been deeply affected by all of the very significant challenges my friends and loved ones have been facing recently as well.

I truly feared the shear weight of it would do me in if I gave into the sadness, which is why I've been "forcing" the Christmas Spirit on myself, even if it hadn't truly embraced me yet. But my efforts came to a grinding halt yesterday. I heard some devastating news from a friend that brought the tears to my eyes and the lump in my throat that I'd been holding back for so long, and they just didn't stop. I knew who I was crying for, who I was scared for, and who my heart was bleeding for, but in the midst of all of those tears, I shed a few for everyone who's pain I've been feeling lately and in mourning of a time when it was so easy just to enjoy the magic of a special time when people just can't help but to smile and treat each other just a little bit better than usual.

I watched the clock today at work. Not because I was excited about starting my holiday, but because I just needed to make it through to the end of the day so that I could go home and breathe. I stopped in a few stores on the way home, basically on auto pilot, picking up a few last odds and ends for the holidays, but without much heart and without the magic. I had just lost the joy of the season and had finally given up hope that it would find me.

And that, my friends, is when it will find you. Just when you give up the hope. That's why it's magic and that's why it's so brilliant.

When I got home, in an utter sense of despair and sadness, I put down my bags and looked up at my phone with a flashing, blinking red light. I was pretty sure that it was the trademark flash of the regular phone solicitations I receive, so I chose to ignore it for a while, as I milled around getting dinner ready with about as much empty enthusiasm as one can muster and still stand.

But after my bland dinner had been digested, I braved an attempt to check my messages to see who my mystery caller was, wondering how much money I owed them or how kind of new product they wanted to sell me on.

But I will probably never get over the surprise I had when I heard that voice on the end of the other line, a voice I hadn't heard in about five years, and a voice that really was a special part of my life over a decade ago. That voice gave me the best gift someone could give you at this time of year, because that voice just called me, out of the blue, and after years of being out of touch, just to say "Merry Christmas, I was thinking of you". Can you imagine?

It was the sweetest thing. That voice gave me back that which I missed so much, my Christmas Spirit. Because that's what it's about. Just thinking about each other. And right after I finished listening to that message of holiday sentiment, I received a call from my brother and sister-in-law (who may as well be a sister-in-kind because I love her so much) and they built on the happy gift that the first caller started. It really is a wonderful life people!

And now here I am, packing up my car to go visit my family for the holidays, and the air has filled up in my lungs with joy and the quick has bounced back into my step.

And that's when it hit me. It's not the carols, it's not the gifts, it's not the lights or tree. It's just a person reaching out to you, saying just thought you should know you're special to me.

So Merry Christmas everyone. I leave you with one little holiday challenge and that is to spread the joy and call at least one person who isn't expecting it and wish them all the best for the season and ask them to do the same for someone else. You never know who it's going to mean the world to and who it's going to brighten up. Here's hoping that one call can start 100's more just like it.

I'm starting with my old university roomate who I haven't seen in about ten years. Who's your call going to be?

Cheers,
Liz